Loving our children…

Epidemic = excessively prevalent.

I read that child abuse is an epidemic in this country.

How sad that there are 3 million reports of child abuse every year. (I hate to say it, but you know there are many times more reportable offenses which go unreported.)

The article I read goes on to say how to spot possible signs of child abuse. You can guess many of them.

I want to list some things that are not child abuse.

1. Talking sensibly until you are blue in the face about things that are important to having a quality life.
2. Being boringly consistent in your high expectations of your children’s educational performance and their responsibilities at home.
3. When your children do not live up to your expectations, you take time to talk intensely with them.
4. Raising your voice, on occasion, to make a point otherwise “unheard” is fine.
5. Gently taking their little face in your firm and loving hands to emphasize your point is o.k.
6. Insisting they be clean and live in a clean environment is advisable.
7. Keeping order and predictability at home so when they come in from a chaotic world, everything is in its place and functioning properly.
8. Withholding privileges if they do not abide by the household rules.
9. Letting them know they will have some privacy but not complete privacy. (Who owns the house?)
10. Offering appropriate punishment for the “crime.” (Punishment is not enforcing chores that should be done anyway.) Punishment is withholding that which brings pleasure to the child.  Video games, cell phones, being with friends, television, computer internet time, etc. can be withheld for short periods of time. These are great motivators. Taking a treasured item from your child and having them “earn”it back is not abuse.
11. Spanking. Measured, promised, announced in advance, as a result of clear expectations is o.k. Hitting to inflict pain is not o.k. Slapping or hitting anywhere other than the bottom is not acceptable. A short time after the spanking, return to the child and quietly tell them you love them, but that certain behavior is unacceptable. If a parent finds they are spanking a lot, there are bigger problems that need to be addressed in other ways.

Loving our children is complicated and all in the details of daily life and interaction.

Apart of verbal and physical intimidation, perhaps one method of abuse is the most overlooked and that is neglect.  If, as a parent, you fail to support your children in activities that will enrich and enhance their lives, if you fail to ask about their homework, if you do not show great interest in what they are interested in, if you do not communicate with the other adults in their lives who are trying to teach them and guide them, if you don’t know where they are and who they are with, if you won’t take them where they need to go and get them there on time, now, that is abuse just as surely as hitting and screaming are abuse.

Moving to the deeper places,
Jeff